I am often baffled at the manner in which Illinois family laws address the needs of children. It is a true miracle of life that children are brought into this world. And then the unit that forms them falls apart. But that does not have to mean that the children have to fall apart too.
My contrarian point of view is that when parents split up, sometimes (not always), a more honest relationship can develop between the children and each parent. The pressure of pretending that might go on behind closed doors while a fake family image is maintained, evaporates and, for better or worse, more truthful realities are lived. I believe this enables children to learn coping mechanisms and to be more true.
Sadly, our system, fails this truth. Family laws, I think, often miss the mark and instead of finding positives for these children, focus on blaming the parents for not staying together. Yet, the staying together is the unhealthiest home environment many of these children have experienced.
Then the system appoints attorneys to be child representatives. These are people who may know the law but are not necessarily competent or trained in the psychology of family divorce dynamics. They sometimes take a superior attitude, putting down the parents for not being more mature. They ask children to confide in them, without appreciating that they are strangers asking for the most private of thoughts, a task that adults often cannot even do.
These professionals also often fail to recognize the pain the parents are experiencing and the enormous feat it takes to endure a divorce and to still shelter their own children when feeling under attack themselves. There is a lack of depth or time available to delve deeper.
I believe there must be a better way, one with more patience, empathy, and creativity. I believe a person trained in the dynamics of divorce families should be at the helm, guiding parents and families through this web of complexities. There should be people who can see beneath the surface and discern the nuances at play.
You should be heard! Don't be shy, reach out!